This blog will probably be as long-winded as they ever are, but I really do have a point here. Read it or don’t. It will not matter to all of you. And that’s okay. (Isn’t it nice when the Queen reigns in her tyranny to allow her subjects some “free” time?) There is, however, one of my readers that will personally identify with this blog and it is dedicated to her. She’s been a big supporter of mine for quite some time and I’d never want to cause her hurt. (Just follow my crappy logic through and then make a decision, m’kay?)

I know that I am going to offend someone (or twelve) by even touching this topic with a ten foot pole (pardon me as I untuck) but since when did I give a good rat’s ass about all of that? (Well…aside from the above-mentioned reader, that is.)

The following topic is one that is highly sensitive to those who live it, and I want everybody to understand that I appreciate the desire for delicacy in such a matter. For example, it would probably be insensitive for me to write the way that I tend to do on a topic such as…oh, let’s say…CANCER. Cancer isn’t exactly something that Jay Leno’s team of over-payed writers sit around a Burbank conference room table and try to bang out a one-liner over. But that’s where I’m different. As someone (trying to quit smoking) whose majority of deceased family members attribute their deaths to cancer, and as someone who knows she’ll meet the same fate if she lives long enough, I don’t mind finding a chuckle at cancer’s expense. It’s a necessity, really.

Funny, right? See, here’s the thing: Cancer isn’t funny. It hurts, it kills and it destroys families. But cancer is one of those things that I don’t mind taking a laugh from. Jackie Beat is spot on here. The joke isn’t cancer’s effect on the juvenile population of the planet. The joke here is the exploitation of it…even while at its most well-meaning. Starvation isn’t funny either, but look at the ironic comic fodder that the leather backed-Sally Struthers has provided us over the decades! Who wants some overweight hack-tress pleading for pocket change to feed foreign tots? So while cancer may not be funny, there’s a power that comes from looking at death and guffawing. My Mama always used to say, “Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.” Trust me kids, these are wise words. Please don’t be surprised if you someday find them on my epitaph.

Fuck-damn that was a long exposition! The point is that I am probably going to be highly inappropriate here. Sorry, kids. That’s what I do. It’s my niche. Suck it or spit it out. The good news is that I promise the segue will be as abrupt and rocky as a tumor during a breast self-exam.

Let’s talk TRANNIES!

You can’t say “Tranny” anymore without ruffling some gal’s stubble. I don’t know if it’s because it sounds too much like “granny” or conjures up imagery of torch-wielding Transylvanian vampire hunters or what. I just know that it has become taboo. Why? Because the Transgendered community (previously the Transgender
community) are stepping up full force as a “fully armed and operational” civil rights movement. The ole’ girls have had enough of being discriminated in employment, housing and an entire host of other liberties afforded to the rest of us. But the word “tranny” has become a precursor to a fight involving an unaware fag and the business end of a Payless pump. And like a hot young thing brought home by some old couple in marital distress, I find myself in the middle and shabbily trying to appease them all.

I’m a Drag Queen. This riles the usual straight people, but over the years I have learned that by avoiding terminology such as “Female Impersonator” and “Gender Illusionist” while holding proudly to “Drag Queen”, how I label MYSELF offends a great many people. All KINDS of people. Even the Tranny people. Fuck ‘em. Fuck all of these people, and here’s why:

FEMALE IMPERSONATOR- I’m no Milton Berle. I’m no Rich Little either kids. So while I do, in fact, impersonate a female when I am impersonating a celebrity of the womanly sex, I otherwise don’t want my audiences to forget that there’s a dude underneath the nine inches of paint and the previously mentioned ten feet of pole.

GENDER ILLUSIONIST- Who the fuck are you expecting? David Blaine? There’s no more illusion in my act than a used car salesman trying to pass an old Pinto off as a Bentley. Unless my audience is as drunk, stoned, coked-up or cracked-out as I generally hope them to be, there’s nothing that I do that would require flash paper, a levitating stripper and a white tiger dragging me off of the stage by my throat. I am not an illusionist. (I can however pull flowers and doves from unexpected locale.)

Tranny is short for Transgender. Just like Homo is short for Homosexual and Fag is short for Faggot and Skank is short for Amy Whinehouse. As someone who has spent the majority of the seventeen years I have been alive being called a fag and a homo, I embrace the terminology. Drag Queen doesn’t bother me, people. It’s concise and it’s regal. Eat it up, YUM! Fag doesn’t have the same bite as Faggot used to. (Because why bother with the extra syllable? Get to the point already!)…(Look who’s talking!) And PLEASE, people; I am a HOMO. Do not refer to me as a “Homosexual” because it is no longer the fifties! The McCarthy trials are over and I’m never going to give some laboratory psychoanalyst pause. I’m a Drag Queen who’s so faggy that there’s no doubt she’s a Homo. I’d label myself as a pervy butt-fucker, but that box never seems to exist on the questionnaires I fill out.

The community is now referred to as the “Trans Community”. Transgendered was too laborious and sounded afflicted, so it became the “Transgender Community”. “Tranny” was disrespectful so we just say “Trans Community” now. To a dumb-downed Drag Queen like myself, it’s like going from “Homosexual” to “Homo” to just plain “Home”. I say, if the shoe fits…poorly…and your five o’ clock shadow is showing through your Walgreen’s clearance foundation, it’s probably a duck. (And you’re probably a Tranny.)

I can’t be bothered with the whole “sticks and stones” analogy, because names will ALWAYS hurt some people. (You understand, don’t you, Fucktard?) But here’s the hateful Divine opinion: If you’re not called a tranny, you’re going to be called something else. (And probably worse.) OWN it before they do. That’s all.

I’m a Drag Queen, a Faggot, a Loser, Disgusting, a Cunt, a Redneck,, a Hillbilly, Weird, a Freak, a Pervert, a Son, a Brother, a Husband, and a mother-fucking DIVA. Why? Because I have been told so by you, those around you, and those closest to me. But most of all, because I agree and approve.

I pray that while the Trans community struggles to find their place under the collective and societal blanket that people seem so determined to swaddle themselves in, they will discover that… well…honey, the only person you really have to face in the mirror every day is YOU. If you are okay with YOU (and fr many of us, our Higher Power) that’s all you need to start your way.

I often get these surveys asking me, “If you were a crayon, what color would you be?”

I always respond, “FLESH!…OH SHIT!, I mean, PEACH!”

Having said that, I will fight the good fight for Trans persons wherever they see me fit.

If ever.

Again.

In the course of humanity.

I love you, girls.

Your Favorite Demi-Blonde,

The Divine Grace

2) How have you felt today?
lost

3) When was the last time you had butterflies?
I once caught a butterfly and put it in a jar. I let it go 30 seconds later because it made me sad.. that and butterflies are super ugly up close.

4) When was the last time you talked to your number 1 on top friends?
I dunno.

It’s actually set on Random (the setting, not the person)

5) Have you ever cried and didn’t know why?
no. Even if you irrationally cry there is a reason that set you off.

6) What are you wearing on your feet?
dirt

7) Do you have any plans for tomorrow?
I want to say Skee Ball, but it would be untrue.

Do you like your name?
It’s a pretty awesome name that I think aptly sums up my personality

9) What color are your fingernails?
um… translucent?

10) What’s your favorite song?
at the moment? I’ll be a virgin, I’ll be a mountain

11) What is your Sign?
Chains required.

12) Do you like taking pictures?
love it. I love cameras more.

is that weird?

13) Where did you last drive to?
I don’t drive

14) Are you happy at the moment?
I’m more confused about the parameters of happiness to be perfectly honest. I don’t know how to measure what I am feeling.

15) Do you tend to fall for people easily?
I fall for concepts easily. People are lovelier in theory.

16) Last time you smoked?
never

17) When was the last time you fell?
bah. who knows. the important thing is I got back up.

18) What were you doing at noon?
sleeping

19) Last person who drove you somewhere?
my mum

20) Are you there for your friends?
no. I’m emotionally useless.

21) Are you a forgiving person?
I forgive you, but I don’t pardon your actions. live with the reality.

22) How many times do you pee a day?

At least once. Check out mytoiletcam.com for more details

23) What are you listening to right now?
On est loin

24) Who is the last person you talked to on the phone?
my father, I believe

25) Do you like your mom?
She’s the Bee’s Knees

26) Name someone with the same b-day as you?
Carl Sagan. I didn’t even have to google that.

27) Ever had a drunken night in Mexico?
nu uh

28) If you could move somewhere else, would you?
at the drop of a hat. not because I hate my home. I just like finding new homes.

29) What’s the last piercing you got?
let me think about that. I think it’s probably the third lobe piercing I did myself.

30) Do you know if anyone likes you?
Someone out there has to have unfortunate taste in emotionally fickle and permanence-impaired cat-girls.

31) What did you dream about last night?
I don’t recall. But it kept me in bed very late because I kept forcing myself back into the dream. Yeah.. I can do that.

32) Do you know someone getting married?
sure sure. It seems to be all the rage among my breeder friends.

33) What were you doing at 4am this morning?
Kingdom Hearts PS2 ♥ Tris

34) What is the first thing you do when you get up?
flip the pillow to it’s cool side and go back to sleep.

35) Do you drink coffee on a regular basis?
regularity in any endeavor is not something I have great familiarity with.

36) Would you rather have a girlfriend/boyfriend or a friend with benefits?
I’d prefer a lover.

37) What is your favorite flavor of JELLO?
jello-pudding pops in the freezer section.

38) What was the last book you read?
Kyuuto! Japanese Crafts: Amigurumi
thanx liz.

Mailing it back soon♥

39) How many different beverages have you had today?
two. water and Coca-cola.

40) Do people underestimate you?
most people do their best just to estimate me.

41) Is the last person you kissed physically attractive?
I’d say my mum is passing fair.

42) Do you currently have a hickey?
no.

43) You get bored of your girlfriend/boyfriend easily?
never. Just disabused of all my unfortunate notions about romance and sensuality.

44) What was the last thing someone said to you in person?
“goodnight, monk”

45) What’s your favorite Hannah Montana song?
that one where she doesn’t sing.

46) Are you good at your job?
if by “job” you mean “slacker state of unemployment” then yes. I’m vying for a promotion any day now.

47) Who is the fifth text in your inbox from? What does it say?
I dunno. Probably Liz. probably says “

48) Do you have a facebook?
maybe. stay away.

49) What are your initials?
mml

50) Are you a good speller?
i haz m4d sp3llin’ skillz, y0!

51) How much money do you have on you right now?
I am nekkid. so.. $0.26

52) When is the last time you took a nap?
I’m in a perpetual state of napping

53) Would you ever stay with someone, just because you didn’t want to break up?
I have. it was lame. I’d say I wont do it again, but rent-free living is mighty appealing at times.

54) Have you ever taken anyone/anything for granted?
I am currently taking you for granted.

55) Have you ever been on a roller coaster?
Never. and it tears me up inside. really. it does.

56) Could you date someone taller then you?
it would be near impossible not to.

57) Ever had a near death experience?
I’m waiting on one of those “near life” experiences.

58) What is the highlight of your week?
tough call. Grey’s Anatomy or Battlestar Galactica.

59) Who would be the first to know if you got pregnant?
My black market organ contact.

60) Where is your phone?
under a pile of clothes.

61) Do you like cuddling?
I am a cuddle bug. ask anyone. then when they look confused go and ask someone who knows me. yeah. that would probably make more sense.

62) Last time you smiled?
every time I look over at my sleeping cat.

63) How many people have you liked in the past 8 months?
that depends on how many Korean Dramas I’ve watched in the past 8 months. or did you mean people I’ve actually met? then that would be zero.

64) Have you ever done anything illegal?
I’m doing something illegal right now.

65) Would you rather spend a whole day with your mom, or your dad?
I can talk to my mum easier, but my dad hates to see me spend my own money and pays for my stuff…. I’ll just stay in my room and obsess over vintage cameras I can’t afford.

66) Where will you be 12 hours from now?
on the couch. I think watching me some Crossing Jordan.

rough life, ne?

67) Is it easy for others to make you feel awkward?
I make me feel awkward. should be a cakewalk for you.

Just say “hi”

68) What are you going to do tomorrow?
make some calls, eat some ice cream, play more NES.

69) Does anyone hate you for no reason?
they have their reasons. the reasons are just lame.

70) Can you make yourself cry?
yes, but I’m not manipulative like that. besides, when I start fake crying, it turns into real crying. And that is SO not pretty.

71) How many hours of sleep did you get last night?
10-ish?

72) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Yes. I’d stand on a boat in the Theran harbour and watch the volcano blow and then get burnt away to nothing in the unfathomably powerful pyroclastic flow. good times.

73) When was the last time you lied?
a handful of questions ago.

74) Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming?
nu uh

75) Have you ever kissed someone who’s name starts with the letter C?
Christopher is the 6th most popular male name in the US & I have kissed three, including my brother.

76) Have you ever been out past curfew?
I’ve never had a curfew. the benefit of trust.

77) Have you ever snuck people into your house?
no

78) Are you easily confused?
if it’s a low protein day.

79) Do you think you’d make a good parent?
Fuckin awesome parent. now ask me if I plan on having spawn. go ahead. ask me you fucking breeder.

80) What is your favorite kind of ice cream?
mint, no chocolate chip (it’s a phase)

81) Do you like your school?
I really tried to come up with a witty reply here, but gave up. story of every opportunity to banter ever presented me.

82) Are you taller than 5 foot 7 inches?
So much taller that I exceeded the capacity to be measured and ended up twisting reality to be several inches shorter.

83) What color are your socks?
in general, white. needs more lace.

84) Has anyone ever borrowed something from you and never returned it back?
sure

85) When and what was the reason behind the last reason you cried?
fucking ASPCA commercial. I hate people and what they do.

86) Do you like anyone on your myspace?
all except one.

87-88) ???

89) How has the week been?
It flew by. Lemme just say this, not enough Unbeatable Banzuke winners.

90) What time did you wake up today?
like I keep track of these things. Crossing Jordan was on.

91) What level can you play on Guitar Hero?
the level that involves me replacing the disc with a Final Fantasy disc.

92) When was the last time you ate ice cream?
3 hours ago.

93) Who was the last person you hugged?
my cat. She loves my love.

94) What level can you play on drums for Rock Band?
that level where I suddenly find myself realizing I’ve been playing Dance Dance revolution all along.

95) ???

96) Does your home phone have caller id?
no.

That is why we screen all calls

97) Do you wish at 11:11?
sometimes I wish that all your wishes don’t come true. that’s right. it’s all my fault.

98) Have you ever gotten a detention?
for being tardy. jesus fuck, that’s lame.

99) Do you still watch disney channel?
I haven’t watched the Disney channel since it stopped being a premium cable channel.

100) Who did you last IM?
um.. i have no clue.

101) Something new you did this past week?
Consider the Amish lifestyle as a suitable alternative to the shallow life I live now, but then decided that I couldn’t wear all the kickass clothes and accessories Liz sends me and still be Amish. they really have no sense of style.

*puts on cow hat*

103) Something you’ll never do?
vote solely based on party affiliation.