i want to fall in love

Well, mostly.

 

 

 

Even when I’m at home in New York City, I still get excited to see a big snowfall. My NYC counterparts would have you believe that I am off of my rocker for saying as much because snowfall in the city is nothing short of a big freakin’ mess. Add to this the fact that New York City only shuts down if there is snowfall of blizzard proportions, and you end up with several million people who are pissed off that they have to traverse the brown and yellow sludge to and from work. It’s generally “business as usual” except that everybody has to walk at a snail’s pace, single file, down a sidewalk that’s crowded on each side with four foot piles of shoveled snow. This exodus usually takes place behind a woman with a packed granny cart who is somewhere around 120 years of age.

I am currently with my family in the mountains of Western North Carolina. My hometown is located in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park, wedged between the Tennessee border and an inbred hillbilly with a penchant for playing “Dueling Banjos”. When it snows in Western North Carolina, the local forecast includes temperature and accumulation predictions as well as proclamations of the “End of Days” and the onset of Armageddon. People notoriously lose their damned minds in this area when the first flake falls. Schools and businesses are closed and the local grocers are up to their armpits in frantic rednecks snatching up the remaining loaves of bread and gallons of milk. All of this commotion inevitably ends up being unnecessary once the aforementioned “Winter Storm Warning” is downgraded to a “Winter Storm Watch” and then to a “Wintry Mix”. So basically, we end up with a cold rain, a happy grocer and another day of school that the children will have to make up in the middle of June.

Today, however, this was not the case.

Last night, as the local news warned of impending doom like some old gravedigger in a Scooby-Doo cartoon, I rolled my eyes so long that I fell asleep. I awoke at six o’ clock this morning to discover that the snow had moved in several hours earlier than anticipated. I then frowned at a wall of kitchen cupboards that were so bare they’d make Old Mother Hubbard and her dog consider a murder/suicide. With nothing short of sheer angst in my heart, I made my way through a measly inch of snow to the supermarket. As I had anticipated, the aisles were full-to-overflowing with harried housewives b-lining for the bread and sleepy twenty-somethings making a mad dash for the beer cooler. Add to this the fact that 7:00AM is apparently when grocers stock merchandise for the day, and you end up with a drag queen and a grocery cart avoiding obstacles and turning corners like a Jaguar on the Audubon. It was kind of like an episode of “Supermarket Sweep” except that I…Well, I guess it was exactly like an episode of “Supermarket Sweep”.

So, here I am at home with the family. The snow is falling relentlessly and rather than watching a forecast be downgraded, our potential snowfall accumulations are rising by the hour. So is the ACTUAL accumulation for that matter. As I write this, there is over 7 inches of snow on the ground and the worst part of today’s leg of the storm won’t even arrive here for another three hours.

Yikes.

But wait! It gets better! Tomorrow’s forecast? Snow. Sunday’s forecast? Snow as well. As a matter of fat, it looks as if Tuesday and Wednesday will be the only breaks that we have from this weather before observing what will certainly be a Christmas so white that even Bryant Gumbel will look ghetto.

There’s a nice warm fire crackling in the fireplace and the kitchen is well-stocked with anything one could possibly care to eat and/or drink. That’s a great feeling… which is wrecked in the realization that the electricity has now gone off and there is no such thing as a gas range in this county. Now what? Boardgames and cards by lantern light? Bitch, please. There’s only so much of this good old-fashioned country winter bullshit I can handle. If anybody needs me, I’ll be upstairs drinking my dinner and watching pre-recorded movies on my laptop. I’ve been itchin’ to watch “Saturday Night Fever Blister” or “Bareback Mormon”.

Snow. I love the stuff.

Well, mostly.

Amen,

The Divine Grace